8 Steps to Tremendous Wealth

So, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a heartless bastard. I wish death upon strangers. I curse the lives of those who write checks instead of swiping a card in the grocery line. I wish fatal accidents on those who drive 60 in the fast lane.

But more than anything – I hate activists. I don’t care what cause they are supporting – I just despise picketers – especially those who protest for or against abortion. They’re all annoying, screaming fat women who are easily offended. I just can’t handle these people. SHUT UP! Mind your own business! Go home! Take care of your criminal-children for God’s sake!

Anyway, because abortion activists are my enemies, I have come up with a scheme to exploit these time-wasting, busy-body, traffic-inducing, blabber-mouths while also “earning” a shitload of money to boot.

Behold, the Get Rich Quick Scheme of the Century in Eight Easy Steps:

STEP 1: Create a website. It could be www.savemybaby.com or something like that.

STEP 2: Get a woman pregnant. (This woman must be willing to have an abortion at the end of her first trimester.)

STEP 3: Put the pregnant woman’s picture on the website.

STEP 4: Put a 90-day countdown ticker on the website.

STEP 5: Create a PayPal account and link it to the website.

STEP 6: Post this sentence on the website: “If Donna doesn’t raise $1,000,000 by the time this ticker (see STEP 4) reads 00:00:00:00, she will abort her baby. Please donate now to save this precious child!”

STEP 7: Forward website URL to the Southern Baptist Convention headquarters.

STEP 8: Wait 4 hours, then collect hundreds of thousands of dollars from PayPal account and buy houses, cars, and useless shit.

This get rich quick scheme is so simple, so beautiful – and guaranteed to work. It’s basically a legal hostage situation. I mean, can you imagine a God-fearing Baptist finding the page and NOT donating? In their eyes, it would be a sin NOT to donate.

Also, this scheme has the potential to earn some major cash. You see, there are 37,000 churches in the Southern Baptist Convention. Even if each church gave a single dollar, you would get away with $37,000. That’s not too bad for 10 hours work – especially since one of those hours would be spent knocking someone up. (Now, of course, it would be only fair that you give the female participant a large majority of the earnings – after all – it’s her fetus.)

You could really milk it, too. As the child developed, you could post ultrasounds of the baby on the website, you could name the kid, and you could post the amount of money that had been collected. And, of course, when the first trimester ended, you would announce what happened – whether the baby was saved or legally slaughtered.

Another great part about the scheme is this: once the first baby is saved, you can start over, and repeat the process all over again. You could make $4 million in a year – easy.

Now, here’s the tricky part – you might go to prison. Good luck!