My Nextdoor Neighbor

So . . . his name is Darrin. The first day I met him, he was sitting on his front porch, drinking a beer with his “buddy” and using a telescope to examine the menus at a nearby Sonic. Darrin is what I would call a “good ol’ boy.” He hast a country accent, wears tattered Budweiser shirts, keeps his red frizzled hair in a pony tail, and loves a cold beer after a day of grueling manual labor.

Almost everyday without question, I come home and find him on his porch, having a beer. Every time he finishes a brew, he crushes the can in one hand, and lazily tosses it out onto his front lawn. He has another one opened before the previous hits the grass.

One day when my lawn had become a little overgrown, he came over and said, “Hey, man – if you mow your lawn, I’ll pick up all the beer cans in my yard.” I told him it was a deal and immediately had my yard mowed.

Anyway, about two months ago a group of shady blacks moved into the house next door to Darrin. Their arrival has turned Darrin’s life upside down. It all started when a group of them walked through his yard one night. Their trespassing on his property bothered him so much that he attached a “NO TRESPASSING SIGN” to the front of his house.

When I came home from work one evening, Darrin hopped off his porch – beer in hand – and immediately clarified the story behind the sign.

“Hey, man,” said Darrin, stepping off his porch. “I don’t want you to think I’m an asshole or nothing – you can come in my yard all you damn well please – I just put this sign up here to keep these fucking niggers outta my yard . . . I caught ‘em creeping around here last night at three in the morning . . . I’ll tell you what – they ain’t nothing but a bunch of drug dealers and I just want some peace and quiet.”

There have been several incidents where Darrin has verbally attacked our black neighbors. He’ll scream things like, “My buddy’s a police officer – one phone call is all it’ll take! One phone call!”

It’s hard to tell if the new neighbors actually have something against Darrin, or if Darrin just has something against them.

Apparently his war with our black neighbors has been escalating over the last several weeks. It got to the point where Darrin suspected that one of them had siphoned gas from his truck in the middle of the night.

Well, this, of course, only made things worse. Eventually, after a week of sleepless nights, Darrin actually caught one of these men siphoning gasoline from his pick-up at 2 AM. Darrin proceeded to chase the man into the house next door, where he met about 20 of the man’s friends . . . waiting and ready to kick his ass. Needless to say, Darrin received a severe beating.

Several days after the incident, I came home from work, and as usual, Darrin greeted me. He looked horrible. He spoke with a lisp . . . something I’d never noticed before. He struggled to recount the situation, stopping often and swallowing hard. He showed me bruises that covered his arms, face, and ribs. Then, after a hard swallow, he asked, “Reid . . . do you have a strong stomach?”

I hesitantly answered, “Yes.”

Darrin put his beer in his left hand as he used his right to pull-up his upper lip. I was expecting his front teeth to be missing . . . but it was far worse than that. Darrin’s front teeth has been jammed back into the roof of his mouth, yet were somehow still connected to his gums, which had somehow been pulled forward. Everything was black and purple.

Darrin explained that once he was in the neighboring house, one of the men thwacked him in the mouth with the butt of an unopened beer bottle. Needless to say, Darrin had been living on applesauce, soup, and beer for the past several days.

He told me that he was going into the hospital for surgery soon and that he was extremely nervous. The last time he went in for surgery, the anesthetic stopped his heart and he almost died. Darrin asked me to keep an eye on his car for him and to call the police if I saw any of our neighbors siphoning his gas.

Darrin went in the hospital almost 10 days ago. I haven’t heard anything from him. His porch remains empty in the afternoons. Who knows . . . he might be dead.

Dumbass Product: iShit

So . . . the iPod and its countless spin-off products have, if anything, done a superb job of distracting our society. Apple has trained millions of teens and hip-young early-twenties trendsetters that they cannot – for one second – be without their amusement. The iPod now offers distraction in several forms: music, photos, and video.

We are slowly teaching ourselves that every task needs some sort of noisy electronic accompaniment.

If we take a walk, we grab the iPod.

If we ride the bus, we grab the iPod.

If we’re an Eagle Scout going on a nerdy hike, we grab the iPod.

If we’re going to fucking sleep, we grab the iPod.

God forbid that we just sit and think – hell no! We must continue to mash our brains with the likes of Seether and Nelly Furtado. We must saturate our minds with the same old Will Ferrell sketches over and over and over again, so we can get the satisfaction of being a “funnyman” when we repeat it 10 minutes later at work.

Ew . . . I hate office fucks. Look at this shithead – basking in his idiot-glory.

This perpetual consumption of throwaway media, this constant distraction, will eventually result in an overall dumber society. We are so often distracted, that we never stop for a moment and assess our situation, our lives, or our paths. Perhaps we want to ignore our situations. Perhaps are situations are more painful to face, so we use constant media exposure as one of many numbing devices.

Being constantly distracted has recently been embodied in a product from a company called Atech Flash Technology (AFT). On July 21, 2006, AFT will release the iCarta.

As you can see, the iCarta is a toilet paper dispenser/iPod-dock. The shitter is one of the few places where many of us are actually forced to stop and think. I mean, we’re shitting. We have nothing to do except stare at a wall and focus on our shit. However, because focusing on shit isn’t too pleasant (for most people), our minds tend to wander and we might even reflect about the day ahead or behind us.

However, now, with the iCarta – we don’t have to shit in silence. We don’t have to sit and think. No, for those 4 minutes we’re squatting on the pot, we can fucking jam to Ghostface Killah.

And the last thing we need in our bathroom is Ghostface Killah.

It’s the same idea as having an MP3 player installed in our sunglasses or having a fucking TV on our refrigerator. Can we not be without the goddamned TV while we dispense our ice? Can we deal with it?

Apparently not. People buy them.

8 Steps to Tremendous Wealth

So, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a heartless bastard. I wish death upon strangers. I curse the lives of those who write checks instead of swiping a card in the grocery line. I wish fatal accidents on those who drive 60 in the fast lane.

But more than anything – I hate activists. I don’t care what cause they are supporting – I just despise picketers – especially those who protest for or against abortion. They’re all annoying, screaming fat women who are easily offended. I just can’t handle these people. SHUT UP! Mind your own business! Go home! Take care of your criminal-children for God’s sake!

Anyway, because abortion activists are my enemies, I have come up with a scheme to exploit these time-wasting, busy-body, traffic-inducing, blabber-mouths while also “earning” a shitload of money to boot.

Behold, the Get Rich Quick Scheme of the Century in Eight Easy Steps:

STEP 1: Create a website. It could be www.savemybaby.com or something like that.

STEP 2: Get a woman pregnant. (This woman must be willing to have an abortion at the end of her first trimester.)

STEP 3: Put the pregnant woman’s picture on the website.

STEP 4: Put a 90-day countdown ticker on the website.

STEP 5: Create a PayPal account and link it to the website.

STEP 6: Post this sentence on the website: “If Donna doesn’t raise $1,000,000 by the time this ticker (see STEP 4) reads 00:00:00:00, she will abort her baby. Please donate now to save this precious child!”

STEP 7: Forward website URL to the Southern Baptist Convention headquarters.

STEP 8: Wait 4 hours, then collect hundreds of thousands of dollars from PayPal account and buy houses, cars, and useless shit.

This get rich quick scheme is so simple, so beautiful – and guaranteed to work. It’s basically a legal hostage situation. I mean, can you imagine a God-fearing Baptist finding the page and NOT donating? In their eyes, it would be a sin NOT to donate.

Also, this scheme has the potential to earn some major cash. You see, there are 37,000 churches in the Southern Baptist Convention. Even if each church gave a single dollar, you would get away with $37,000. That’s not too bad for 10 hours work – especially since one of those hours would be spent knocking someone up. (Now, of course, it would be only fair that you give the female participant a large majority of the earnings – after all – it’s her fetus.)

You could really milk it, too. As the child developed, you could post ultrasounds of the baby on the website, you could name the kid, and you could post the amount of money that had been collected. And, of course, when the first trimester ended, you would announce what happened – whether the baby was saved or legally slaughtered.

Another great part about the scheme is this: once the first baby is saved, you can start over, and repeat the process all over again. You could make $4 million in a year – easy.

Now, here’s the tricky part – you might go to prison. Good luck!

10 Reasons Why America Trumps China

Everyone knows that China sucks. However, no one really knows why. So, I’ve taken the liberty to provide you, my loyal readers, with 10 Reasons Why America Trumps China.

America Uses More Drugs. America is the world’s largest consumer of cocaine. China only dabbles in methamphetamines. Pansies.

America Chugs Oil. Little China’s 1.3 billion citizens only consume 6.3 million barrels/day while MIGHTY AMERICA’s 300 million citizens guzzle a whopping 20 million barrels/day. Sounds like China needs a boatload of Ford Excursions to help them catch up.

America Knows How to Blow Shit Up. China’s military spends a petty $81 billion a year. America’s Military spends a staggering $518 billion a year. Screw you, China! We’ve got priorities!

America Embraces the Big Baptist Way of Life. While America’s government is “unofficially Southern Baptist,” China’s heathen government is “officially atheist.” Have fun in Hell with Buddha, you Communist Scum!

America’s Got Black People. African-American’s are virtually non-existent in China. In contrast, Big Black America is 12% black.

America’s Got More Death. That’s right, America’s got 8 deaths/1000, while China has a measly 6 deaths/1000. Maybe if China had more black people they wouldn’t be lagging so far behind.

America Knows Democracy. We here in America get to voice our opinions and our government will actually listen to us. However, in China, the government is made up of a bunch of authoritative war-monger communists who only do what’s good for them and their friends – not the people.

America’s Got Bums. Even though the average household income in China is only $6,800 (America’s being $41,500), America still manages to have a larger percentage of citizens living below the poverty line. Yep, America’s got 12% of citizens living below the poverty line, while China’s only got 10%. China needs to start outsourcing if they ever dream of catching up.

America Knows How to Shop. When it comes to reckless spending, China is not even in the same league as America. While Little China has only accrued $240 billion in national debt, America has amassed over $8.8 trillion in national debt. What’s it like not to have things, China?

America Knows How to Buttfuck. America’s got 950,000 AIDS patients, while little China ONLY has 840,000. Looks like somebody needs a course in anal.

HAPPY 4^th of JULY EVERYONE!