Somalia Boycotts Taco Bell

Somalia, June 4 – Geeddi Abdi, a Somali man of Jambaluul village, announced yesterday to Reuters and that he and the citizens of Somalia are openly outraged at Taco Bell’s “Fourth Meal” ad campaign. So, angry in fact, that Mr. Abdi and his fellow villagers have declared war on the United States.

In a letter written to the United States Embassy, Abdi wrote,

Over the years, my people have respected Americans as heroes on a mission from God to bring peace to the world.

Now that Taco Bell has announced a 4^th Meal in the United States, we have finally seen Americans as they really are: bloated, selfish, gluttonous, swine.

I am 37 years old and probably nearing the end of my life. As of this writing, I have never had a full stomach. Always hungry. Always starving. (There is no Taco Bell in Somalia. It would not fit in with the wasteland motif we’ve got going.)

See. Looks odd, doesn’t it?

As I dream of having enough food for my starving daughter, I know that in your land, you swollen, sweaty motherhumpers fill your pulsing bellies not once, not twice, not thrice, but FOUR times daily. FOUR. Such gluttony should not continue while my people starve.

Child receiving weekly broth rations.

The children in my village jump for joy when they receive an eyedropper of broth for the ENTIRE WEEK. But you get ornery when you can’t stuff your face with cheesy burritos in the middle of the night. YOU ARE SCUM.

American Shithead receiving nightly rations.

So, here are my demands: I demand that all the money earned by Taco Bell’s Fourth Meal (the new meal between dinner and breakfast) be spent on non-perishables that are crated up and delivered to my attention at:

Somali Food Collection Agency / War on America
Third Stack of Bark on the Right, Near Pile of Dirt
Jambaluul Village
Somalia
c/o: Geeddi Abdi

I will make sure that the food is put in the proper hands. If you do not comply with these demands, myself and every citizen of my country will boycott Taco Bell and Mountain Dew every time we are vacationing in the United States. This, you will surely regret. We trust you will comply.

After reading Abdi’s letter, Taco Bell CEO and Chairman John E. Martin said he does not take the threats seriously.

“These are clearly empty threats,” said Martin in press release. “If Mr. Abdi does live to 38 and can actually afford a ‘big magic plane ride’ to America, he’ll never be able to resist the greasy goodness of a hot-n-zesty, sour-creamy-crunchy Chalupa – nobody can – especially villagers.”

When asked about Abdi’s suggestion that Taco Bell start aiding foreign countries experiencing food shortages, Martin cited numerous charities that Yum, Inc. (Taco Bell’s parent company) already supports.

Martin explains how his business works.

“What people don’t realize is that we’re the international good guys,” said Martin. “For instance, we’ve provided huge financial backing for various pro-immigration organizations that wish to grant Mexican citizens the right to run for the border in pursuit of a zestier diet here in the United States . . . so don’t call us the bad guys.”

When Abdi was contacted for a response, his villagers informed Reuters that he had died of starvation only hours before. Abdi leaves behind his wife, Amina, and his daughter, Fatuma.