Live and Let Die

So, I just read an article about an absurd scheme to drag out the average human lifespan to 140 years or more.

This concerns me.

Who in their right mind actually believes that we need to extend this Carnival of Chaos (note Gwar reference) any longer than it already is?

You see, everyone has this ridiculous notion that “life is short.” This stems from Thomas Hobbes’ childish conclusion that “life is nasty, brutish and short,” which was closely followed by countless mid-90s inspirational sports t-shirts that proclaimed, “Life is Short. Play Hard.” (Another sickening variation was “Life is Short. Pray Hard.” I shudder in disgust.)

Anyway, while life is nasty and brutish, it is NOT short. 80 years is plenty time for anyone to spend in this Strange Game of Laser Tag*.

Besides, the majority of humans spend most of their lives writhing in squalor anyway – so why not end life as soon as possible? Why must we drag out sickness, debt, and bad relationships for 60 additional years? (Probably because morons can be convinced to pay for it and scientific Chinese men can make lots of money – but that’s another story.)

Now, this is the part where I could list a lot of legitimate reasons why a 140-year lifespan is a bad idea. I could talk about overpopulation, food shortages, economic dilemmas, marital problems, social-security issues, Medicare costs – the list goes on.

However, instead of doing this, I’m going to list 10 Illegitimate, Yet More Convincing, Reasons Why Humans Should Die As Soon as Possible. These reasons are as follows:

Reason #1: Bono
Why: A truly selfish ego-maniac who slyly uses do-gooder shit to further boost his celebrity and music career. Do you want to see his stupid face on Time Magazine for another 90 years? Neither do I . . . therefore, he must die.

Reason#2: Retards
Why: Would you want to keep on living?

Reason#3: M. Night Shyamalananyhalahyman
Why: I’m tired of pretentious fucks making below-average movies. If he doesn’t die a natural death, we’ll have to deal with his piles of stinking celluloid for another 100 years.

Reason#4: People Who Use the Word “Gig” When Referring to a Concert
Why: These people are annoying douche-bags that for some reason think that by using this word they are either genuine artists, naturally “retro” trendsetters, or elite industry insiders. They also use such words as “booze,” “bum,” (as in a cigarette), and “toke.” They must die out soon.

Reason#5: Rockers Other than Alice Cooper Who Wear Mascara
Why: These people suck. They’re basically insecure suburban children who are desperately trying to earn themselves some “street-cred.” These people must go.

Reason#6: People Who Get Angry About My Blog
Why: Just think about it. You’re browsing through blogs on the INTERNET and you find one with which you disagree. As a normal person, you will probably shrug and move on. However, these lunatics will actually get angry and put forth the effort to prove me – a total stranger – wrong. (For example, read the comments on this post.) These people mustn’t live.

Reason#7: Poor, Uneducated Sex-Addicts Who Have Lots of Babies
Why: These people are just populating the world with criminals and loafers – and the last thing we need are 140-year old loafers.

Reason#8: Eddie Vedder
Why: I hold this guy personally responsible for starting a trend in bad vocals: Creed, Stone Temple Pilots, Days of the New, U.P.O., Staind and tons of other lousy sludge-hick-rockers worship this moron . . . and he’s still making records. Only an early death will stop him.

Reason#9: The World of Warcraft Community

Why: These people don’t know the difference between virtual gold and U.S. dollars, which means they certainly don’t know the difference between life and death. They might as well just go ahead and submit to the reaper.

Reason#10: People Who Love the Movie Fight Club Because It “Blew Their Fucking Mind”
Why: This movie is completely overrated. The “surprise ending” is a lame twist that the author tacked on to end a story that was going nowhere. Multiple personalities? That’s all it takes to blow your mind? Dear God – idiots love this movie for one reason: Brad Pitt is a “homeless badass anti-establishment cult-leader” and stupid early-twenties males (for some reason!) desperately aspire to be a homeless badass anti-establishment cult-leader. Blah! Fight Club fans need to go as soon as possible. Hopefully, they’ll beat each other to death before it comes naturally.

*Strange Game of Laser Tag – metaphor for life on Earth; it’s foggy; lots of lights and loud music; it can be fun, but not really; it’s exhausting; the rules are confusing; you have teams – but there’s always that one guy who shoots you in the back for fun; smart players spend the game hiding; you can win or lose; and, eventually, the game ends – whether you like it or not.

Please, Just Give Me Nothing

So, unfortunately, I recently had yet another birthday. Ah . . . one year closer to death, which also means one year closer to eternal relief.

Anyway, grotesque realism aside, I received some gifts from my family. Every year they get more and more unbelievable. You should have seen my Christmas Gifts. I don’t know if my family is being stupid, condesending, or is simply trying to clean out their kitchen cabinets. Whatever the motive, their gifts are astoundingly bad.

So, without further ado, here are the very gifts that my family MAILED (yes, mailed) me this year:

“Off The Beaten Path: The Missouri Edition.” It’s a book that details all the INTERESTING places to see in MISSOURI. And, yes, I realize that it’s an oxymoron.

“Missouri Curiosities.” In case “Off the Beaten Path: The Missouri Edition” omitted anything, this book will most certainly pick up the slack. After all – I wouldn’t want to miss a SINGLE thing in this Grandly Bland State of Missouri.

Because I own DVDs, my family assumes that I like EVERY DVD, which obviously includes the $1 “Best of Groucho” collection.

Yep – they mailed me fucking Bisquick.

As if I’ve been operating for five years without kitchen knives, they sent me two. Perhaps I’ll use them to cut my throat in the bathtub.

And finally, a knife sharpener . . . so when I do cut my throat – I do it right the first time.

Snobs

So, a friend of mine is a Macintosh fanatic. He lives and breathes everything Apple. If Apple manufactured white Turds and priced them at $799 apiece, my friend would buy two.

I, personally, subscribe to neither the Mac nor the PC exclusively. They both have their fine points. Macintosh’s are stable machines, but you most certainly pay for it. PCs aren’t as stable – but just as fast and less than half the cost. So, basically, it just depends on how much money you’re willing to burn and what you value. If you value aesthetics and stability, buy a Macintosh. If a good price is worth more to you than stability, then buy a PC.

THE POINT IS: IT DOESN’T MATTER IN THE SLIGHTEST.

Anyway, so my Apple-fanatic friend was bragging about the latest Macintosh Ad Campaign. He kept telling me how “brilliant” the ads were. (By the way, advertisements are never “brilliant” – no matter what some marketing higher-up douche tells you.) You can view the brilliant campaign here.

Well, my friend got me curious and I wanted to see them, so he proudly hopped on his Powerbook and went straight to Apple’s website to find the ads. He clicked on the first ad and . . . the video wouldn’t load. He turned bright red and started making all these excuses about how “the network was bogged.”

I don’t know what this means.

Finally, after fighting with his machine for about 15 minutes and eventually having to restart because it froze-up, we went over to a PC on the other side of the office, went to the Apple site, and watched the ads from there. No delay. No problems.

Don’t get me wrong – I like Macintosh computers and I like Apple. Apple and Mr. Jobs have always pushed innovative ideas that have literally changed the world. However, what I despise – what I loathe more than anything – is an Apple Snob. Like a gross Youth Pastor, these Apple Snobs exist solely to spread the good word about what Apple has done in their lives. And what I love – what I lust for more than anything – is to see an Apple Snob put in their place.

And I got to witness it. First hand. Needless to say . . . I was fully erect.

After successfully using a PC to view all of the Apple ads that basically flaunt PCs as boring, functionless heaps, my friend solemnly took to his desk . . . emotionally hurt.

I, on the other hand, was thoroughly amused.

AIDS, Condoms, and Catholics

So . . . good news for every horny married Catholic with AIDS: the Pope will soon be deciding whether or not it’s okay for a married AIDS-patient to use a condom with his/her healthy spouse!

(Don’t believe me? Click here. If The New York Times reported it – it must be true!)

I hope the Pope makes this important decision as quickly as possible because as we all know – many lives are at stake. You see, there are horny, married Catholics with AIDS who are NOT practicing safe sex right now. Only he can stop this massive spreading of AIDS!

I mean, let’s be honest here, if I were married to a Catholic with AIDS, I would never wear a condom during intercourse because I would want to respect her baseless ritualistic beliefs. Sure, I would probably get AIDS, but my life is a small price to pay to respect my wife’s religious code of ethics that’s so darn practical.

Because I know the Vatican will do the right thing, I would like to personally thank the Pope in advance for a job well-done. It’s great to know that even the higher churches use their time as efficiently as the lower churches.

I’m sure it will come as a great relief to the CATHOLIC-AND-MARRIED-WITH-AIDS COMMUNITY that a compromise has been reached and they can finally begin using condoms and can quit getting AIDS.

JUST THINK: if the Pope rules in favor of Married Catholic AIDS Patients we can eliminate anywhere from 0 to 1 case of AIDS every 10 years or so. We’re making progress already!