McHepatitis
March 30, 2006
I will preface this by saying that this is a true story. It happened yesterday.
My friend and I were driving down the road. (Because I haven’t really asked him if I can publish this horror story, I will refer to him as “Ernie.”) Anyway, Ernie and I were driving down the road when he realized that he needed to take a shit. So, we looked around for an appropriate place for him to complete this gruesome task.
After a brief search, Ernie decided to dump his waste in a McDonald’s restaurant. We pulled into the parking lot and he ran inside while I sat in the car.
After about 10 minutes, I was still waiting. Not too alarmed, I continued to be patient. Finally, after about 20 minutes, Ernie emerged from the McDonald’s with a terrified look on his face. He looked as if he had just witnessed a meathook murder.
I asked, “That bad, huh?”
Ernie replied, “You’re not going to believe what just happened . . . I sat down on the toilet . . . everything seemed fine. I took my shit like normal. Then, when I was almost done, I had to sneeze and, apparently, the toilet seat wasn’t bolted on right or something. Anyway, when I sneezed, the toilet seat slid off the side of the toilet bowl and I somehow managed to fall into the toilet that was full of my own crap.”
Shocked (yet amused), I asked, “Uhhwg . . . what did you do?”
“What was I supposed to do,” he screamed. “Do you know how many disgusting, greasy, gross people have used that toilet? I just dipped my balls in the shit of several hundred McDonald’s customers.”
“Yeah, if I were you, I’d probably get tested for hepatitis,” I said. “Did you clean yourself up?”
“I almost washed myself in the sink, but there was no lock on the door – I didn’t really want anybody to walk in and find me washing my dick in the sink,” he said. “So, I just did the best I could with toilet paper.”
We proceeded to drive home so he could take a shower. If he actually gets hepatitis, I’ll let you know.
How to Live Past 110
March 23, 2006
Marion Higgins died on March 9, 2006. She was born June 26, 1893. She was 112 years old. This makes her the 6th oldest American in recorded history. Since we here at Yin-Yang Mossimo Hacky-Sack are openly afraid of death, we spoke with Mrs. Higgins’ son, Horace Higgins (now a ripe 83 years old; pictured above with Mrs. Higgins), about his mother’s good habits that may have contributed to her long life. After speaking with Horace for several hours, we compiled some tips for a long life:
Don’t stress over little things.
Move around every once in awhile.
Make sure your ancestors lived long a time.
Instead of slumping over and waiting for death, keep busy by assisting your bumbling husband with basic tasks.
Once you reach age 59, cover all mirrors. Don’t explain to children.
Don’t jump around on moving freight trains while popping sleeping pills.
Convince yourself that at least one religion is true.
Spend as much time in trivial conversations with trivial people as possible because alone time will make you stop and realize how doomed you really are.
Eat ½ of a raw onion everyday to lower your cholesterol.
Never put your penis into anyone’s ass.
Drink 8 glasses of water every day.
Pee 8 times a day.
Try not to get cancer.
New Developer Commemorates 9/11
March 17, 2006
New York Governor George Pataki (above left) has finally decided to end negotiations with Larry A. Silverstein (above right), the original developer of the $2.3 billion “Freedom Tower” which was to commemorate those who lost their lives in the September 11 attacks.
Instead, Governor Pataki has enlisted a new creative force to concoct an equally moving tribute to the victims of 9/11.
SLOTH.
“The thing that first attracted me to Sloth is his . . . well, uncanny ability to get things done,” says Pataki at a recent press conference
This is one quality that Pataki has not yet seen in Silverstein.
“I’ve been working with Silverstein for months now and the man won’t stop whining,” says Pataki. “He’s always ‘planning this’ or ‘preparing that’ and frankly I’m just fucking sick of it. Build something already!”
Since being notified on Wednesday evening, Sloth has already submitted 11 proposals to the Pataki administration.
“So far, we’ve been astounded by Sloth’s output and turnaround time,” says Charles A. Gargano, the state’s top economic development official.
In fact, Sloth’s proposals are so promising that the Pataki administration may have difficulty deciding which plan to follow.
While Sloth was not available for coherent comment, the Pataki administration did release 11 of Sloth’s proposals:
This design would be constructed using two 110-story specially-made Baby Ruth candy bars. Employees would get the opportunity to burrow-out their own offices and two elevator systems in the nougat centers.
The Pirate Ship Proposal: This design would be constructed of an 110-story pirate ship, which would come equipped with real pirates and cannons.
The Superman Proposal:
This design would be constructed just like the old towers, except they would be adorned in matching Superman Suits.
The Chattery Fat Kids Proposal:
This design would be constructed of 26,000 chattering fat kids.
The Rocky Road Ice Cream Proposal: This design would be constructed entirely from Rocky Road Ice Cream.
The Regular-Sized Baby Ruth Proposal:
This design is basically a four-square block pile of Baby Ruth candy bars.
This design would simply involve moving the beautiful Memphis Pyramid to Ground Zero.
This design would simply be an underground basement that is 110 stories deep – the terrorists will never find it.
The Black and White TV Proposal:
This design would be constructed of a custom-made 110-story black and white television – Sloth gets the remote.
The Superman’s Ice Castle Proposal:
Totally different from The Superman Proposal, this proposal is a replica of Superman’s North Pole Castle as depicted in the 1978 film, Superman: The Movie.
The Mama Proposal:
This design would be an exact replica of the previous towers – only adorned with two framed pictures of Sloth’s dear mother.
“[The proposals] are all brilliant – the people of New York and the world will be touched by Sloth’s sincerity, while the victims get what they rightfully deserve – a monument,” says Kenneth J. Ringler Jr., the Port Authority’s executive director. “Whichever proposal is chosen, I’m confident it will be a wise decision.”
Homo-Elite Snobbery
March 9, 2006
Viktor Horsting, Rolf Snoeren, Jun Takahashi, and Vivienne Westwood – these are just some of the hottest designers in the world for the wealthy, battered, bi-sexual AIDS patients today who attended last week’s fashion shows in Paris. You know, I’ve always wondered what would happen if Hyper-Elite Fashion actually infiltrated our drab, Old Navy culture. Just imagine how our everyday lives would be transformed into a bombardment of unnecessary art.
Taking your groceries to your car would remind you of that time you saw that group of Hippie Negroes Playing Football.
Going to just any old bar would remind you of going to a Gay Bar.
Riding an elevator would remind you of Leukemia.
Reading nutrition labels would remind you of The Blind Guy from Star Trek.
Making a conference call would remind you of Suffocation.
Going for a swim would remind you of a Medieval Execution.
Playing pool would remind you of the time you were 3 years old, put your diaper on backwards, wrapped yourself in a sheet, and went “pillow hunting.”
Going for a jog would remind you of The Most Impractical Thing You Can Possibly Imagine.
Fine dining would remind you of that Kid You Tied Up with a Garden Hose and Kidnapped for a Week.
Waiting for the bus would remind you of the time that Swedish guy named Lady? ended up at your party and gave both of your dogs Hepatitis.
Filling your gas tank would make you wonder if John Waters and Dee Snider ever mated.
A Can of Crisco vs A Scientologist
March 5, 2006
So, who’s smarter – a Can of Crisco or a Scientologist? This is a tough question. A question that has been bothering mankind since L. Ron Hubbard published his hilarious book Dianetics in 1950. So, in order to get to the bottom of this mystery, Yin-Yang Mossimo Hacky-Sack (YYMHS) kidnapped a hip, young, delusional, son-of-a-bitch Scientologist and purchased a Can of Crisco from Kroger. We sat the two side by side and thrust them into a head-to-head competition of wits.
YYMHS: So, guys, I’m going to ask you five questions. Whoever answers the most questions correctly is the winner. Alright, Hip Scientologist, we’ll start with you. QUESTION#1: Where did mankind come from?
HIP SCIENTOLOGIST: Oh, that’s easy. About 70 million years ago an intergalactic warlord named Xenu sent 13 trillion beings to Earth, who were vaporized by volcanoes and bombs. Their radioactive souls were electronically implanted into humans and proceeded to cause all of our modern problems.
YYMHS: . . . well . . . that really didn’t answer my question, but okay. So, Can of Crisco, how about you? Where did mankind come from?
CRISCO: (nothing)
YYMHS: Great answer, Can of Crisco! It looks like one point for the Can of Crisco and zero points for the Hip Scientologist. QUESTION#2: You’re trapped in an elevator. Its cables break and you begin to fall 30 stories to your inevitable death. What do you do? Hip Scientologist?
HIP SCIENTOLOGIST: Well, first, I wouldn’t be scared because I’m immortal. Then, in a total state of calm, I would use my mind powers to control the elevator and bring it to a slow rest on the ground floor of the building.
YYMHS: Ha-ha-haa-ha . . . oh, God – I’m sorry. Sorry . . . oh . . . okay . . . Can of Crisco – how about you? You’re trapped in a falling elevator – what do you do?
CRISCO: (nothing)
YYMHS: That sounds correct to me! So, it’s two points for the Can of Crisco and zero points for the Hip Scientologist. Alright, QUESTION#3: How much money is 12-hours of pseudo-religious counseling worth to you?
HIP SCIENTOLOGIST: Oh, at least $9,000. I’ve paid a lot more, though.
YYMHS: Wow . . . that is just astounding. Uh, why don’t we see what the Can of Crisco has to say? Can of Crisco, how much is a 12-hour session of pseudo-religious counseling worth to you?
CRISCO: (nothing)
YYMHS: That sounds logical to me! It looks like the Can of Crisco is still in the lead with three points to the Hip Scientologist’s zero points. QUESTION#4: Modern psychiatry has been criticized for offering pills as solutions to our problems. What are you going to do about it?
HIP SCIENTOLOGIST: I’m going to quit my job and make T-Shirts and posters that let the public know what psychiatry is really doing to our nation. I’m also going to stand out in front of psychiatric offices and scream at mentally ill patients in an attempt to convince them not to use harmful psychiatric services.
YYMHS: That sounds like a good use of your time. Can of Crisco – how about you? What are you going to do about the problem of modern psychiatry?
CRISCO: (nothing)
YYMHS: Correct! Just the answer we were looking for. This brings the Can of Crisco’s score to four points, while the Scientologist still trails behind with zero. Okay, now, for our Final Question: Is there an elite organization that truly offers easy answers to the world’s problems?
HIP SCIENTOLOGIST: Of course there is. It’s Scientology. By following the teachings of L. Ron, I have become an Operating Thetan, a totally aware healer who can harness the power of the universe which I’ve used to accept my isness and embrace my oneness.
YYMHS: Heh . . . oh, wow . . . okay, Can of Crisco . . . is there an elite organization that truly offers easy answers to the world’s problems?
CRISCO: (nothing)
YYMHS: That is correct! It looks like we have a winner. The Can of Crisco has rejected embarrassing delusion and is in fact smarter than a Hip Scientologist. Congratulations, Can of Crisco! You have just won a round trip for two to the Bahamas! As for you, Hip Scientologist – you’ll just have to stay here and cope with a lifetime of denial! Have fun you two!
