My Christmas Wish

So, we all know Christmas is stupid. I mean, sure, it’s nice to give and receive gifts, but for some reason when this “gift exchange” is scheduled to occur at a particular date and time, well, it just seems to lose all sincerity.

“I’m not giving you these presents because I care about you, but because I’m expected to care about you.”

Therefore, over the generations, Christmas has slowly become a selfish, meaningless holiday that not only gives shopoholics an excuse to spend their husbands’ money on shit, but also gives spoiled little children the opportunity to fall further down the Spiral of Greed and Frivolity.

Anyway, one prime example of why they should change the name of Christmas Day to Consumer-Whore Day can be found in the isles of department stores all over the country:

The Upside-Down Christmas Tree. Only $399.99 at Target.

And guess what? It’s not even available at Target anymore. Do you know why? IT HAS BEEN SOLD OUT. Don’t believe me? Click here.

Morons are rushing in and BLOWING THEIR MONEY on a FUCKING UPSIDE-DOWN CHRISTMAS TREE. Yes, it’s hideous. Yes, it’s retarded. Yes, it’s top-heavy and dangerous! But . . . it makes MORE room for GIFTS.

Ah! Yes, that’s always posed quite a problem with my family.

“Well, honey, there just isn’t enough room under the Christmas Tree for ALL THIS SHIT we bought everybody . . . if only the Christmas Tree were upside-down, then we would have more room for ALL THIS SHIT – yeah, that’s definitely the most practical solution.”

You know, you’d think that when people ran out of room under their tree they would wake up and realize that maybe THEY’VE BOUGHT ENOUGH SHIT. But no, not this year. This year nothing’s going to stop us from buying as much shit as we possibly can. Not even the fucking tree’s gonna stop us this year. We’ve now entered that embarrassing realm where we flip the tree upside-down and drop $400 – just to make room for more SHIT.

I mean, really, why even have a goddamned Christmas tree? Why don’t we just stack all of our shit in a big fucking pile in the middle of our living rooms. That’d be about as sincere and personal as an upside-down Christmas Tree.

You know what’s going to happen next year? Morons are going to dig a trench around their Christmas tree so they can dump all their WRAPPED-UP SHIT into the floor.

With all this in mind, I have a Christmas wish. This Christmas, I wish that every upside-down tree that is purchased is taken back to someone’s home. On Christmas Eve, I hope the damn wobbly thing falls over while everyone slumbers and the Christmas lights SET ALL OF THEIR GIFTS ON FIRE SO THEY HAVE NO SHIT TO OPEN ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. Instead of opening packages, the whole family will be forced to go stand outside in the snow and wait for the fire department.

Let’s face it — Christmas for most families is one Toys-R-Us mess after another — at least a Christmas fire will give them something to remember.

Let Us Give Thanks

To celebrate Thanksgiving, representatives from Yin-Yang Mossimo Hacky-Sack traveled around the globe to ask youngsters what they were thankful for this year. Here’s what we found:

I’m thankful that I can go to school to learn to read and write.
Ama Serwaa
Ghana

I’m thankful that I have enough to eat.
Raed Jarrar
Iraq

I’m thankful that I can freely practice my religion.
Jaron Stavi
Israel

I’m thankful that I still have my mother and father.
Kwaku Okyere Baffour
Botswana

I’m thankful that my family loves me.
Mirza Omerovic
Bosnia

We’re thankful for our good health.
Cam and Giang Chau
Vietnam

I’m thankful for my home.
Osei Tetteh
Uganda

I’m not thanking anybody for anything until my Ethernet is faster, my Twinkie is sweeter, my iPod is smaller, my school day is shorter, my belly is flatter, my sister is fatter, my Nintendo is newer, my dog is cuter, my hair is straighter, my face is clearer, my clothes are nicer, my skin is tanner, my lips are fuller, my breasts are bigger, my 16^th is sooner, my car is sleeker, my TV is wider, my buns are tighter, my boyfriend is richer, my eyebrows are thinner, and my ring tone is louder and trendier than ever.

Tiffany Johnson
United States

Priorities During a Prison Fight

So, as many of you already know, I worked at a factory for 2 years in college. During that time I met some very interesting “characters,” one of which was a big, black ex-convict named Larry. I’ve mentioned him before.

Larry and I became fairly good friends at work. We exchanged stories, rants, and wisecracks concerning our fellow co-workers.

After many discussions on the assembly line, I learned that Larry had been in prison for 14 years for accidentally shooting a woman during a bank robbery. Fortunately, however, Larry has completely recovered. In fact, he now speaks to high school students, addicts, and prisoners all over the mid-west about drug abuse and its consequences.

Anyway, while in prison, Larry explained that he once shared a cell with a guy who “was a real muthafucka” who “kept callin’ [him] ‘faggot’ an’ shit.”

So, after awhile, Larry got a little fed-up with his cellmate – so fed up, in fact, that he decided to do something about it.

On Mondays and Thursdays, Larry explained, he was on toilet duty. As you can imagine, he cleaned the prison toilets, which I’m sure is almost as bad as the toilets in a college dormitory.

Well, during one of Larry’s routine toilet-cleaning days, he managed to swipe some flammable toilet cleaner. Everyone smoked cigarettes, so he was able to easily acquire some matches as well.

Later that evening, Larry smuggled this cleaner, the matches, and a lead pipe all back to his cell, where his cellmate was sleeping. While his cellmate calmly dozed, Larry doused the man’s lower-half with the smuggled cleaning solution.

Larry then proceeded to set fire to the cellmate’s legs.

When the cellmate woke up, Larry began thwacking him incessantly with the lead pipe. After a solid ten minutes of thwacking and burning, prison guards broke up the fight, extinguished the fire, and sentenced Larry to seven more years in prison.

Here’s where prison fight priorities come into play.

If you woke up and discovered that your legs were on fire WHILE you were being beaten with a lead pipe, which one do you take care of first? Do you try to extinguish your lower half, leaving your upper-half open to severe lead-pipe-induced injuries? Or do you defend your upper-half, leaving the fire to consume your already-cooked lower-half?

This is obviously a lose-lose situation. You’re going to get burned and you’re going to get the shit beaten out of you . . . but there must be a good way to handle a simultaneous fire and lead-pipe attack in prison.

So, what will it be? Extinguish the fire? Extinguish the Larry? Justify your answer.

Banana Republic vs. Target

So, my Special Lady Friend and I decided to boldly venture out to THE MALL and go SHOPPING this weekend. Oh my God . . . the last time I saw so many grotesque people in one place was at the Missouri State Fair. Eeeaahh – I shudder just thinking about it.

Anyway, the entire shopping mall was JAM-PACKED with MORONS who were either talking on their cell phones or yelling at their yelling kids or stuffing their faces with overpriced sugar.

So, we decided to stroll into the Banana Republic and I found something somewhat surprising. Okay, yes, the clothes were all overpriced – fine, I get it. But what was baffling were the people shopping there. People who you could tell weren’t exactly wallowing in money. Young college kids, coffee-house gays, 17-year old girls, Pseudo-Indie-Rocker-Style-Hounds – people who probably work at either a Bread Company of some sort or another Banana Republic.

I guess these people, struggling to pay their rent, also struggle to pay for their clothing. Then it occurred to me that they probably haven’t heard of Target.

Let’s price compare!

Target Dress Shirt: $19.99
Banana Republic Dress Shirt: $78.00
Difference: $58.01

Target Hooded Sweatshirt: $15.99
Banana Republic Hooded Sweatshirt: $59.50
Difference: $43.51

Target Half-Zip Sweater: $15.99
Banana Republic Half-Zip Sweater: $78.00
Difference: $62.01

Target T-Shirt: $6.39
Banana Republic T-Shirt: $22.00
Difference: $15.61

Target Blazer: $59.00
Banana Republic Blazer: $248
Difference: $189

Now, let’s really put this garbage in perspective. Let’s say that I buy all of the above items from Target. Let’s also say that I invest the amount I save buying from Target, which equals [$58.01 + $43.51 + $62.01 + $15.61 + $189] $368.14.

So, let’s say I continue shopping at Target and every year I invest this $368.14 into some mutual funds. If I average an 8% return every year, I will have $130,000 waiting for me when I retire at age 65 (I’m 23 now). Now, keep in mind, that’s if I ONLY put in $368.14 every year.

Typical Banana Republic Dumbass.

However, let’s assume that the typical Banana Republic dumbass buys a lot more than 5 items of clothing every year. Let’s say that the average Banana Republic dumbass buys more than double that and could be saving $900 every year by shopping at Target. So, we get:

$900/year at 8% = $319,000 upon retirement at age 65.

And I love it when these “financially doomed brats” try to defend themselves by saying things like: “Well, Banana Republic’s stuff lasts longer” or “Banana Republic clothes fit me better.” Goddammit! Listen to what you’re saying, you moron! They last longer IF YOU DRY CLEAN THEM and they only fit better if YOU GET THEM TAILORED TO FIT YOUR MISSHAPEN, GROSSLY UNDERWEIGHT BODY.

Do you wipe your ass with silk, too? Does some Negro named Harriet feed you Cap’n Crunch with a Gold-Plated Spoon? Does some snooty, British chap haul your ass around in a horse-drawn carriage? NO! You take the bus to work 30-hours a week at Starbucks, you pretentious slob.

So, until you can afford a Negro maid, a horse-drawn carriage, and silk whipies, don’t BURN THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON CLOTHES YOU CAN’T AFFORD, YOU INSECURE SHITHEAD! If you weren’t such a boring idiot, then you wouldn’t need expensive, “interesting” clothes in the first place. So in the meantime, own up to who you are and start spending your money reasonably. You’re superficial and spoiled out of your mind – ACCEPT IT.

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen by shopping at Target anyway? You could be at some yuppie party and some gay, trend-consumed Banana Republic prick could make a crack about your Target shirt. But even then, you could take advantage of the situation and say, “Well, I have a higher reading comprehension level than you — oh, and I have a house, too, you fucking loser — so why don’t you get your priorities in line, you misguided fashion whore . . . where’s the creamer?”

Big Loss: You Won’t Impress These Guys

So if you can’t afford expensive clothing, go to Target, save your money, and quit being a dumbass.

5.2 Billion Birds

I spew a lot of mindless gibberish on this site. All of the “news” articles are almost entirely fabricated and misleading. But this time, I assure you that I’m not lying and this is not made up – you may have even heard about it.

Okay, here it is: China’s Agriculture Ministry is planning to vaccinate 5.2 billion chickens, ducks, and geese with a bird flu vaccine.

Ha! Ha! Haaa! Haa! Ah! Ha! Ah! Ha! Haaaaa!

You know, humans are amazing creatures. We’ve walked on the moon. We’ve sent a broken remote control car to Mars. We’ve taken pictures of Jupiter. We’ve seen solar systems from across the galaxy. We’ve cured cancer . . . just kidding – that would be a waste of money.

Anyway, of all the amazing things humans can do, I regret to inform China that we WILL NOT be able to chase down, catch AND vaccinate 5.2 Billion birds (many of which are wild) in a reasonable matter of time.

There are approximately 6.5 billion people on the ENTIRE Planet Earth. Can you imagine what it would take just to vaccinate humans? Humans are at least capable of responding to public service announcements, but believe it or not, wild birds have no verbal communications skills at all . . . and they waddle around.

Besides not willingly lining up in droves at some community center because of some paranoid, unsubstantiated spot they saw on 60 Minutes, wild birds are also very uncooperative. For instance, if a wild bird sees a Chinese man dressed like an astronaut jump out from behind some bushes and rush at him with a syringe, the bird will most likely fight back and do whatever it takes to avoid getting jabbed with a needle.

Therefore, these Mass Vaccinators (the unemployed) are going to have to chase around 5.2 billion birds and chickens in farms, fields, and the wilderness.

IMPOSSIBLE . . . 5,200,000,000.

Look at all these smelly bastards!

Oh, guess what? The vaccination is really cheap, too. Only 10 cents per vaccination. Yeah, you can get that kind of discount when you’re buying 5.2 billion of them – Sam’s Club is probably involved. (By the way, 5.2 billion vaccines at 10 cents each totals out to a mere $520 million dollars.)

And how can they possibly keep track of which birds have been vaccinated? If you’re a 4’11” Chinese veterinarian trying to vaccinate a gaggle of 14 wild, angry geese, how the hell are you going to keep track of which raging goose you’ve vaccinated? You can’t, unless you tranquilize all of them, and spray paint the ones you vaccinated. However, this would take even more time and more money, which of course, would further nullify the whole dumb idea anyway.

Therefore, this plan is going to result in one of two things: (1) the bird flu is going to be spread around even more because of reckless vaccinations or (2) the plan will do absolutely no good because it’s too difficult and time consuming to implement.

So, you’re probably asking yourself, “Well, Frank, since you’re so negative about vaccinating 5.2 billion chickens, do you have a better idea?”

Well, that answer is yes – and it’s not even my idea. Here it is: if there is an outbreak of the bird flu, China should simply quarantine the area and kill every bird and pig within a reasonable radius of the outbreak as quickly as possible. In fact, this very method has been used in Europe (Croatia, specifically) and it has controlled the disease just fine.

Croatia Knows How to Get Things Done.

Therefore, haphazardly attempting to vaccinate 5.2 billion birds is totally unreasonable, impossible, and dangerous to implement. If they do it and it works, I’ll write an entire article entitled, “Why China is Better than the United States.”

In fact . . . I might just do that anyway – it sounds funny.

If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Just a Pervert Looking for Porn

So, I have a counter on this blog. On this counter, it tells me how many visitors I’ve had, what websites they came from, and the search criteria they used to find this site.

Now, it seems that it is my responsibility to inform my loyal readers about how other users are finding this site. Now, I say this with the baseless asumption that my loyal readers are intelligent, above-average contributors to society who would never for any reason enter the search criteria you are about to see.

However, as intelligent, above average contributors to society, you have the cranial capacity to find humor in these search criteria and laugh at how stupid everyone else most certainly seems to be.

Regrettably, this list makes me look like a Smut Peddler, but as you well know, I would settle for nothing less.

So, without further ado, here is a list of actual phrases that real users actually entered into Google/Yahoo that eventually got them to my site:

• yin yang
• yang porno
• ying yang 69
• step on my sack porno
• floppy sack
• sack
• ugly sack
• rosa parks sham
• two streams of urine std
• sweaty genitals std
• who discovered homework
• cat urine remover
• anal sack
• adidas jump suits
• rush color waxes
• I Lost My iPod in Spencer’s Gifts
• Mork and Mindy
• sex doll
• how to make a hacky sack
• stolen mossimo
• cheap mossimo
• selling mossimo
• fags with the flu
• bono sucks
• bono is a homo
• bono
• I hate cars
• crank rock
• 4^th grade pussy
• bubble tape
• crack baby sex
• water birth
• mike spencer eats shit
• mike spencer sucks
• french sex dolls
• 4^th grade education
• big turds

Needless to say, this list doesn’t reflect very favorably on me.

However, when I read through the list, I can’t help but smile at the fact that I’ve been able to touch people with all sort of fetishes: from “yang porno” to “big turds,” I hope all of my readers – even those looking for “step on my sack porno” – have found what you were looking for at Yin-Yang Mossimo Hacky-Sack.

Thanks for visiting, Pervert!

The Kindergartener’s Alphabet

A is for the Animosity you’ll feel toward this Earth.

B is for the Business that determines your worth.

C is for the Caviar that you’ll never once eat.

D is for the Dream whose game is deceit.

E is for the Economy that provides you with work.

F is for the Fast Food that’s healthy like dessert.

G is for the Grind that you’ll one day fall into.

H is for the Heartbreak that one day will slice you.

I is for the Insurance Company that will screw you each month.

J is for the Jealousy that will tear at your guts.

K is for your Kids who will whine, scream and cry.

L is for your Loved Ones who one day will die.

M is for the Music that’s a waste of your time.

N is for the Nausea that for no reason arrives.

O is for the Office which will make you insane.

P is for the Pounds you are likely to gain.

Q is for the Quiet you will so long to hear.

R is for the Radio that will blare in your ears.

S is for the Sex that one day will end.

T is for the Television that will provide you with Friends.

U is for Ugly that creeps on you with age.

V is for the Variety you won’t find in your cage.

W is for the Wife that you’ll dupe and divorce.

X is for the X-Ray that will find cancer, of course.

Y is for the Years whose memories are dim.

Z is for the Zebra; oh, how I wish I were him.

Suburban Terrorist

As you take your first sip of a $4.89 cup of dark-chocolate-mocha-chiller-hazelnut-cream thinking of the 40 amazing years you have ahead of you – BOOM – some crazy fucking Arab explodes near the soda fountain and YOU and YOUR FAMILY are full of shrapnel, squirming on the bloody, sticky floor. You didn’t even get a chance to taste the rich, blend of chilled hazelnut goodness.

This is not fair.

But there is a solution. We can beat the terrorists. All we have to do is think like the terrorists. So, I wrapped myself in a towel, dug a hole in my backyard, grew a beard, and dined only on sand, lizards, and lentils for 17 days. After carefully living and thinking like a terrorist, I finally figured out three aspects to the terrorists’ game:

1.) Terrorists hold grudges.
2.) Terrorists love living in the past and re-enacting it. After all, there’s not much to do in a hole.
3.) Terrorists love Terrorism with a Twist. For instance, if they attacked the United States on oh, say, 09-11, they would plan another attack on 11-9. They want us to say “Ooo, we should have made that connection and prepared.”

In order to defend ourselves from the terrorists’ resentful behavior, I propose we make those connections and prepare ourselves for potential terrorist attack days. All we need to do is enact the following federal holidays, which will keep people off the streets, safe at home, and away from coffee-house threats:

• September 11 (9-11) We must stay inside because imitators or other terrorists might want to relive 9-11 by bombing us.

• November 9 – (Reverse 9-11) Clever terrorists might reverse 9-11 to 11-9 and bomb restaurants when we least expect it. With this holiday, we’d be a step ahead of their backwards game.

• January 19 – (9-11 Jumble Day) We must stay in our homes because the even cleverer terrorist might take this day (written 01/19), then jumble up the numbers to read 09/11 and bomb us.

• November 11, December 11, September 7, November 7, December 7 – (Rhymes With 9-11 Day) These dates rhyme with September 11 which raises our potential to get bombed twenty-fold – we should just stay in our homes and watch the carnage on TV.

• November 11 – (Yasser Day) Mourners might want to remember the day Yasser Arafat died and bomb malls.

• September 10 – (September 11 Eve) On the day before September 11, terrorists might get excited and set-off their packages early.

• September 12 – (National Relief Day) If we escape 9-11 unharmed, the relief of making it to the next day usually results in the biggest shopping rush of the year. However, this needs to be a federal holiday because we will probably get bombed.

• November 8 – (Reverse 9-11 Eve) On the day before Reverse 9-11 terrorists might get antsy and bomb the shit out of us.

• March 14 – (Blink 182 Day) 182 days before and 182 days after 9-11. The terrorists will obviously come out of their holes with bombs blazing.

• December 18 – (The Two Towers Day) Release date of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Terrorists may connect the title of the movie and its theatrical release date with the acutal two towers that fell. Then, they will use it against us and bomb us all.

• December 14 – (Saddam Day) Terrorists might use the day Saddam was arrested to blow up coffee drinkers and/or tourists.

• April 28 – (Saddam Day II) Terrorists might want to celebrate Saddam’s birthday with bombs.

• July 6 – (W Day) Terrorists might want to piss on President George W. Bush’s birthday party by bombing a government building full of paper-pushers with wide hips.

• April 20 – (National Awareness Day) This is the anniversary of the Columbine shootings, Hitler’s birthday, and National Pot Smokers Day – come on – something’s gonna happen and it’s gonna involve fucking bombs.

• August 8 – (National Tall Building Day) Each twin tower had 110 floors. Add them together and you get 220. August 8^th is the 220^th day of the year – a definite potential for chaos and destruction in the New York area.

• August 7 – (National Tall Building Day – Leap Year) 220^th day of the year during a Leap Year.

• February 20 – (National Meaningless Conspiracy Day) When you take the 9^th month (September) and subtract it from the 11^th month (November), you get the 2^nd month (February). Also, if you add 9 days to 11 days, you get 20 days. THIS IS NO COINCIDENCE. Thus, February 20^th is a very dangerous day and we will most likely get bombed.

What these holidays will do is keep civilians off the streets when we are most vulnerable to conniving terrorists. Instead of going to work or school, citizens should use these days to fill themselves with caffeine and flit around their houses in a tizzy.

How a Holiday Should be Spent: Overcome with Worry

If we put these holidays in place and stay a step ahead of the terrorists, I’m sure we will all lead fuller, happier lives.

In the Butter?

Figure 1

So, my roommates and I are renting out our basement to this Korean guy from San Francisco who’s pretending to be a filmmaker. He agreed to pay us a whopping $150 every month to do the following:

• Occupy our basement
• Use our toilet upstairs
• Store / prepare his food in our kitchen.

However, now, after becoming more comfortable in his environment, this Korean guy pays us $150 a month to:

• Occupy our basement
• Use our toilet upstairs
• Store / prepare his food in our kitchen
• Leave hair EVERYWHERE
• Allow vagrants to stay in the basement with him for long periods of time
• Use 24 rolls of my toilet paper in 13 days
• Use all the paper towels in the kitchen
• Take up valuable refrigerator space with 5 (five) dozen eggs.
• Take up valuable freezer space with 32 beef patties
• Consistently leave noodles on the stove to harden and crust over
• Consistently leave a blender in the kitchen full of hardened protein-juice drink
• Consistently leave rice in and around some sort of Oriental rice cooker
• Allow transvestites named “Star” to wander around my house unsupervised (see Figure 1)
• Allow some weird, smelly Indie-rocker guy to eat Burger King in my kitchen, also unsupervised
• Hold loud “dramatic rehearsals” in our basement
• Use valuable bandwidth to download gay porn every evening
• Blow fuses by plugging in too many lamps downstairs
• Allow strange fat men to rinse off blood in my bathroom
• Use my roommates’ mug as an “ash cup”
• Act important by prancing around my living room in a suit, tie, and blue, sequined belt

All of the above, as socially atrocious as they may sound, can be forgiven and tolerated. But what cannot be forgiven and definitely cannot be tolerated is what I found not three days ago.

I got up to make some toast and eggs. I cracked open my tub of Country Crock butter. And there, glistening in the tub of butter, lay something horrible. There in the butter lay something that should remain as far away from food as possible. There stuck nicely in the chilled fat, was a dark, black, thin, slimy hair (see Figure 2). I recognized it from the shower – and it was most certainly from his Korean head.

Figure 2

Needless to say, my gag-reflex got some practice.

You see, I can cope with hair in the shower because they go together. You know, you wash your hair in the shower – I’ve seen hair in the shower before – it’s disgusting, but it’s no surprise.

However, hair in the butter is an entirely different matter.

How do you even get hair in the butter, anyway? The chances that I would accidentally get hair in the butter are so absurdly slim, that in order for it to actually happen, not only would I have to try, but I would have to actually put thought into it.

“Should I pull out a hair then place it in butter?”
“Should I shake my head above the butter with hopes it will just fall out?”
“Should I rub a handful of butter on my person, then replace said butter in said container, hoping that a hair somehow latched on to the butter wad?”

Also, you’d think he would have noticed a big, black shimmering hair in the butter before he closed the lid and put it back in the refrigerator to fester and be found. Maybe that little bastard did it on purpose because I’ve been blatantly ignoring him lately. Perhaps this is some sort of passive-aggressive way of lashing out against me and my total disregard for his existence?

Nonetheless, hair in the butter is simply inexcusable. The only invasion of privacy worse than leaving hair in the butter is leaving Nazis in Poland.

What should I do? Should I approach him about it? Or should I just leave a pile of pubic hair in his meat patties?

Mississippi Doctor Causes U.S. Flu Pandemic

After an extensive investigation, the White House has named Dr. Arch Johnson of Tupelo, Mississippi “personally responsible” for the recent flu outbreak, which continues to spread in America like AIDS in Africa.

According to local reports, Dr. Johnson received a surplus of flu vaccines, so he began giving out “2 for 1 Flu Vaccinations,” which actually caused the deadly flu in over 60 patients who took advantage of the offer.

“What we have here is Dr. Johnson’s failure to understand the fundamentals of how vaccines work,” says Human Services Secretary Michael O. Leavitt. “Dr. Johnson thought administering two vaccinations to a single patient was giving them more protection, when in fact it was doing exactly the opposite.”

As of Friday morning, 48 of the 60 patients who received double-doses of the flu vaccination from Dr. Johnson have died. The other 12 patients have been quarantined in their homes with serious cases of the deadly flu.

“I thought I was going to be a hero for keeping Tupelo safe,” says Dr. Johnson, choking back tears. “But now, I’ve gone done and killed nearly all my patients and half the town.”

Besides the patients who were directly infected by Dr. Johnson, the flu virus has spread to over 500 other citizens in Tupelo.

“We’re not letting anybody in or out of Tupelo,” says Leavitt. “It’s recently been brought to my attention that Tupelo’s water supply is non-potable and they have their water shipped in . . . so I think we’re going to drop bottled water on the town using military aircraft.”

Dr. Johnson, who fled to Memphis after catching word of the outbreak, hopes to avoid a malpractice lawsuit.

“I don’t think anyone is going to file,” says Fred Davis, Dr. Johnson’s attorney. “I mean, everyone affected is either dead or almost dead, and as far as I know, you can’t file a lawsuit when you’re dead.”

When Dr. Johnson’s medical practice was examined, it was discovered that Dr. Johnson has no college education and never attended medical school.

“After checking out his education history, we searched his home,” says Chief White House investigator Scott King. “All we found that had anything to do with medicine was a receipt from Party City for a doctor’s costume and toy stethoscope from seven years ago.”

Dr. Johnson opened his medical practice seven years ago, two days after the date on the Party City receipt.

“I’m just surprised he went this long without killing anybody,” says King, after a coughing fit. “But he sure did a bang-up job (cough, cough), but don’t worry (cough, cough), I’m going to make sure he (cough, cough) fries for this one.”

Dr. Johnson is currently being held in a police station in Memphis, TN where he awaits further investigation.

Dr. Johnson awaiting trial.